Gallup research indicates that there’s approximately $500 billion in lost productivity annually, in the United States alone, due to negative behavior in organizations. Other research has estimated that managers spend as much as 40% of their time dealing with conflict and drama. (Location 74) #✂️

At a minimum, workplace drama causes inefficiency, frustration, and waste. The personal costs to those who work in organizations is immeasurable. (Location 77) #✂️

Then, I came across an article by Peter Senge (“Building Learning Organizations,” published in the March 1992 issue of the Journal for Quality and Participation). (Location 108) #✂️

The article referred to these three dimensions simply as A, B, and C (see also Diagram 1): The production and delivery of products and/or services. This is “the work” we engage in to serve our customers and clients. The design and implementation of the systems, processes, and structures that enable the work to be done. The primary responsibility for this dimension is held by management. The way we think about how we think, interact, and take action. To quote Senge’s article, “Ultimately, the quality of [this] work determines the quality of the systems and processes [that organizations] design and the products and services [they] provide” (p. 35). This is the work of leadership—which can include anyone, anywhere in the organization. (Location 112) #✂️

Douglas McGregor, at MIT’s Sloan School of Management in the 1940s, developed a theory of employee motivation that addresses thinking about how we think, interact, and act. He called it, simply, Theory X and Theory Y. (Location 122) #✂️

Theory X sees employees (and co-workers) as problems. It assumes that people are basically lazy and will avoid work if they can, so they need to be controlled and threatened with punishment if they do not perform. (Location 124) #✂️

Theory Y, on the other hand, assumes that employees and co-workers are inherently self-motivated and seek out work and responsibility that satisfies their desire to create products and services that meet the needs of others. (Location 128) #✂️

And here it is, the fundamental reason: most change initiatives are rooted in dimension B—management’s systems, processes and structures—without any consideration for, let alone work within, dimension C, which is how we’re thinking about how we work. (Location 134) #✂️

The 3 Vital Questions are purely focused on dimension C—a dimension of work that has been missing in all too many change methodologies. (Location 141) #✂️

Question 1. Where are you putting your focus? Are you focusing on problems or on outcomes? Question 2. How are you relating? How are you relating to others, to your experience, and even to yourself? Are you relating in ways that produce or perpetuate drama, or in ways that empower others and yourself to be more resourceful, resilient, and innovative? Question 3. What actions are you taking? Are you merely reacting to the problems of the moment, or are you taking creative and generative action—including the solving of problems—in service to outcomes? (Location 150) #✂️

The principles of what Fritz calls structural tension are captured in his books The Path of Least Resistance (1989) and Creating (1991). (Location 159) #✂️

Fritz’s concepts were described as creative tension in Peter Senge’s classic The Fifth Discipline (1990). (Location 160) #✂️

I choose to describe this framework—in chapters 10 and 11—as dynamic tension because my experience is that it characterizes the constant change and unfolding involved in the process of creating outcomes. This work informs the third of the 3 Vital Questions. (Location 161) #✂️

the extraordinary book Mastering Leadership (Location 166) #✂️

How the Way We Talk Can Change the Way We Work: Seven Languages of Transformation (Location 181) #✂️

Problem Orientation, which is one of two primary orientations. The CEO I mentioned said that the Problem Orientation is the default mindset of most people and organizations. (Location 300) #✂️

“FISBE is an acronym that describes the human operating system that every one of us is using, all the time,” (Location 307) #✂️

“The F in FISBE stands for focus,” he said, writing the word in the top circle, “and this focus sets up the rest of the operating system. That’s because whatever you focus on, that’s what gets your inner state going. (Location 308) #✂️

Your inner state is your emotional response to whatever you place your attention on—what you’re thinking about. So the I and S stand for inner state.” (Location 309) #✂️

“Depending on this emotional response,” he continued, “this inner state then drives your behavior.” He wrote capital BE, for behavior, in the third circle. “So FISBE stands for focus, inner state, and behavior. (Location 311) #✂️

we human beings are cognitive—or thinking—creatures. Our thoughts set up our focus. We’re also emotional beings. Our emotions determine our inner state. And, of course, as individuals and groups, we take actions and engage in behaviors,” (Location 317) #✂️

“You can see how the same situation triggered positive thoughts for one person and negative thoughts for the other—their focus was different. This caused them to experience very different inner states, which then led to very different actions, or behaviors. The same situation, with different FISBEs, created two totally different experiences.” (Location 338) #✂️

“As you might suspect, the focus here is on problems,” he said, and he wrote Problem in the focus circle. “A problem can show up in all kinds of ways: maybe someone emails you, or calls or texts you. Or maybe someone walks into your office and starts talking about a problem. “As you take in this new information as a problem,” said Ted, “your inner state arises—and that’s going to be some kind of anxiety.” Ted wrote Anxiety in the inner state circle. “Then, depending on how bad you think the problem is, your anxiety could be anything from a little irritation to intense fear. Either way, the inner state of anxiety will trigger you into action. “This action you take—that’s your behavior, of course—is some form of reaction. (Location 349) #✂️

There are four ways you might react: fight, flight, freeze, or appease.” (Location 354) #✂️

“You’re telling yourself you’re reacting to the problem, when really you’re reacting to the anxiety you feel about the problem. If you didn’t feel some level of anxiety, you’d let the situation pass on by. The false assumption is that the problem is driving this operating system. But it isn’t—the Problem Orientation, the operating system, only sets it in motion. It’s actually your anxiety that’s driving the whole shebang.” (Location 375) #✂️

“The false hope is that if you can just solve the problem, then everything will be okay … or that you’ll then be able to focus on something more important. Right?” (Location 382) #✂️

“Another problem. Seems like there’s always a new issue lurking under the last one. I’m just waiting for the next incoming problem!” “And that’s why it’s a false hope that problems will go away,” (Location 386) #✂️

“In this orientation, you have a much different focus. Here your thinking is oriented toward envisioning an outcome. Sometimes the outcome you have in mind is clear—you know almost exactly what it is and how you want it to happen. Other times this outcome may be somewhat vague in your mind, but you have a general idea of the direction you’re heading. (Location 401) #✂️

“What’s important is that you care about the outcome you envision. Because when you really care about it, that ignites an inner state of passion,” said Ted, and he wrote the word Passion in the inner state circle. In the behavior circle he wrote Baby Step, then turned to face Lucas. (Location 404) #✂️

“That passion,” he continued, “provides the motivational fuel to take the next step in your process toward creating the outcome—whatever that step may be. (Location 406) #✂️

The key to this first vital question is to upgrade to the Outcome Orientation as your primary way of thinking, here at work and, really, throughout your life.” (Location 428) #✂️

AIR stands for three major distinctions between the two FISBEs: your attention, intention, and results. (Location 436) #✂️

“Here in the Problem Orientation, your attention is on the problem, of course. When (Location 439) #✂️

“your attention begins to move naturally toward whatever it is that you do want, and what you really care about. That doesn’t mean you won’t have any more problems, but it does mean there will be a big shift in your relationship to those problems. Instead of seeing problems everywhere you look, you start taking on only the problems that need to be solved to create the outcome you want. (Location 444) #✂️

“Your intention is really to get rid of, or get away from, your anxiety through various behaviors—either fight, flight, freeze, or appease. Behaviors you hope will solve the problem. (Location 454) #✂️

“your intention is to move toward the outcome and, through the baby steps, or the actions you take, to bring that intention into being over time.” Lucas joined in. “So, the difference is between moving away from what you don’t want—the problem—and moving toward the outcome you do want.” (Location 457) #✂️

Ted added, “So anytime you find yourself faced with a situation that seems to come up over and over again—be it with a team member at work, someone in your personal life, or even within yourself—it is virtually guaranteed you’re coming at that situation from the Problem Orientation. You do something about the situation, it gets better for a while, and then sometime down the road, there it is again! (Location 496) #✂️

“As you focus on your envisioned outcome, your passion goes up.” He drew a plus sign. “As your passion increases, your desire to take the next baby step increases, too.” Another plus sign. “Then, as you take that next step, you get closer to, or clearer about, the outcome”—a third plus sign on the board—“and that increases your passion and your will to take action.” (Location 516) #✂️

“In the Problem Orientation, you unwittingly allow circumstances to define your focus by giving your attention to whatever is generating anxiety. (Location 536) #✂️

But in the Outcome Orientation, you cultivate a very different relationship with problems. Because you have a vision of the outcome you want to create, you’re able to pick and choose which problems really deserve your attention, focus, and energy. Then you can prioritize—dealing only with the problems most likely to help create that outcome. Anxiety may still be there, but you’re no longer driven to react to it.” (Location 541) #✂️

‘Every job can have either a trivial description or a noble one.’” (Location 658) #✂️

“The first exercise has to do with the thoughts and feelings you experience … and the actions you take … in each of the orientations. And just a note about ‘thoughts’—they can be things you say silently to yourself as well as things you say out loud to other people,” Kasey explained. Lucas wrote “thoughts, feelings, and actions” (Location 674) #✂️

“A reactive trigger is anything or anyone that causes or activates you to react—to see that person or thing as a problem that engages some form of anxiety. Once you’re triggered, you react with a fight, flight, freeze, or appease response. Those are the reactive strategies. (Location 703) #✂️

Being able to step back and reflect on things is really key, Lucas. Ted calls it ‘going up to the balcony.’ The more you can observe, the more you will be able to make different and more empowering choices about how to respond. It will be great to get into the habit of writing down your observations of thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and actions, as well as your reactive triggers and reactive strategies.” (Location 722) #✂️

the Problem Orientation is actually a Victim Orientation, because usually we feel victimized by the problems we’re reacting to. On the other hand, the Outcome Orientation is really a Creator Orientation, from which you create outcomes and the baby steps you’ll take to accomplish those outcomes. (Location 813) #✂️

One is, How are you relating to other people? Another is, How are you relating to what is going on in your life? And the third is, How you are relating to yourself? “The key here is, are you relating in ways that are going to produce or perpetuate drama, or are you relating in ways that empower yourself and others to be more resourceful, resilient, and innovative?” (Location 822) #✂️

Stephen Karpman identified a triangle of relationship roles that make up what you might call the Dreaded Drama Triangle, or DDT. (Location 832) #✂️

“The central role in the DDT is the role of Victim, Lucas. And here’s a rule you can go by: anytime you find yourself complaining—whenever there is something you want or care about that you feel powerless to have, do, or be—then you know you’re stuck in the Victim role,” (Location 836) #✂️

“But feeling victimized is very different from victimhood,” said Ted. “Sadly, victimhood can become a whole self-identity, a way of being in life that keeps you feeling like you have no choice, that life is just happening to you and you can’t do anything to change it. (Location 844) #✂️

anytime you—or anyone else—inhabits the Victim role, there has to be a Persecutor. (Location 854) #✂️

“While you might think of a Persecutor as a person—like your new boss, maybe—there are other forms a Persecutor can take. It might be a health condition, such as heart disease or diabetes. The Persecutor also could be a situation such as a hurricane or earthquake, or any of the other tragic events we see on the news. (Location 855) #✂️

“When the Persecutor is a person, often they seek to control and dominate the drama. They actually fear their own victimization, so they become aggressive. Then they can easily blame the Victim for whatever is happening. (Location 864) #✂️

The Persecutor is ‘the problem’ that the Victim is reacting to out of fear or anxiety.” Ted put down his marker. “Does that sound familiar?” (Location 866) #✂️

“There are three ways a Rescuer can come in and complete the DDT. One, the Victim goes looking for a Rescuer and invites them into the drama. Second, someone intervenes to either take care of or fix the Victim, or goes after the Persecutor to protect the Victim. Then the third kind of Rescuer could be someone or some situation that the Victim hopes will emerge to, as you say, ‘save the day.’ (Location 873) #✂️

the shadow side of the Rescuer individual is that, while their actions are usually well-intended, taking care of or fixing the Victim only reinforces the Victim’s feelings of powerlessness and resentment about their victimization.” (Location 883) #✂️

“And what’s more, the Rescuer takes actions based on fear, too, just like the Persecutor does. The Rescuer’s fear is that they will not be needed—so they seek out a Victim they can ‘help.’ This renews the Rescuer’s sense of purpose—to fix or protect or take care of the Victim. (Location 885) #✂️

Victim, Persecutor, and Rescuer—are locked in reaction to fear, each using a different strategy to stave off that fear, of things spinning out of control. (Location 887) #✂️

being a Creator has two main characteristics. First, a Creator focuses on creating outcomes, just as we talked about earlier. The second characteristic—and this is really important—is that a Creator takes responsibility for the way they respond to whatever happens in their experience. Creators do this even when they feel victimized.” (Location 930) #✂️

“Wait a minute. Are you saying that a Creator chooses a fight, flight, freeze, or appease reaction to whatever is going on? Isn’t that what Victims do?” “You’re so right,” Ted said. “The choosing is the big difference here, as well as the range of choices. There is actually a big difference between just reacting to a situation and choosing how to respond to it.” (Location 932) #✂️

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” (Location 942) #✂️

Challengers spark learning and growth. When something happens and you feel victimized, if you can ask ‘What can I learn from this person, this condition, or this situation?’ instead of reacting to it as though it’s your Persecutor … well, then you’ve unlocked the secret to the Challenger role. (Location 953) #✂️

“Challengers call forth learning and growth. Sometimes the Challengers in your life are aware of the role they’re playing. These are conscious, constructive Challengers who inspire and evoke learning. Have you ever had a boss who actively challenged you to learn and grow?” (Location 956) #✂️

You might call these unconscious, deconstructive Challengers.” (Location 966) #✂️

“What I mean by that is, sometimes there’ll be people who aren’t intentionally challenging you, but you may experience them that way. (Location 967) #✂️

“A Coach supports a Creator,” said Ted, “by asking questions that help clarify that Creator’s intended outcomes or help the Creator to see their current reality more clearly. Coaches also help Creators understand what they’re learning and support them in deciding what actions they’ll take. (Location 978) #✂️

A true Coach will never try to take away a Creator’s power to choose their own responses and actions. (Location 982) #✂️

“There are three Reactive Tendencies that the Leadership Circle Profile provides feedback on. They’re called Controlling, Protecting, and Complying. Everyone learns aspects of all three of these styles, but people tend to develop one or two of these as their main way of reacting. “And here’s the kicker: there’s a close relationship between those Reactive Tendencies and the roles in the Dreaded Drama Triangle. (Location 1061) #✂️

shifts can happen either internally or externally.” (Location 1257) #✂️

“The internal shift happens when you change the way you think and respond to the stuff going on around you—that’s an inside-out shift. First you shift to seeing yourself as a Creator. Then, once you really see yourself that way, you begin to realize all people are Creators. (Location 1258) #✂️

“The external shift has to do with the way you relate to others and to whatever’s going on around you. Once you make the internal shift, then just naturally you’re going to show up differently to those around you. (Location 1264) #✂️

“When you choose to adopt a Creator Orientation and shift your focus from problems to outcomes—focusing on what you do want instead of what you don’t want—then you’re making the fundamental internal shift. (Location 1274) #✂️

“You can’t make someone shift. If you really see that everyone is a Creator in their own right—whether or not they know it or act like it—then you have to accept that they hold the power to make their own choice. (Location 1284) #✂️

“If someone’s acting like a Victim, then right behind their feelings of victimization, you’ll find something they care about. (Location 1305) #✂️

“So here’s what you can try if you want to help someone shift. First and foremost, let them know you hear their anger or frustration or whatever their inner state is. Then subtly invite them to shift. After they see that you understand how they feel, you might say something like, ‘I can tell you really care about …’ whatever it is you think lies behind their victimization. (Location 1306) #✂️

“And the key to helping other people see you as a conscious, constructive Challenger in your relationships,” Ted went on, “is to know what your intention is.” (Location 1321) #✂️

“Before you challenge someone, it’s important to ask yourself if your intention is to make yourself look good, or to encourage learning and growth,” (Location 1323) #✂️

“Oh, and one last point about this shift,” Ted added. “It means you’re moving from controlling—which is what a Persecutor is trying to do—to compassion.” (Location 1334) #✂️

“The key to shifting from a Rescuer to a Coach for others is, first and foremost, to see the people you coach as basically capable and resourceful. Along with that, a Coach recognizes that everyone holds the responsibility for the choices they make.” (Location 1351) #✂️

“It’s pretty similar,” Ted agreed. “Both a Challenger and a Coach see the other person as a Creator in their own right. A Coach’s basic toolkit is asking questions that support others to clarify, and then to commit to action.” (Location 1354) #✂️

“There are three main ways to get clarity. One is to clarify the outcome you want to create, the second is to clearly recognize and then speak the truth about your current reality, and the third way is to get clear about the actions, or baby steps, you’re going to take. (Location 1356) #✂️

“As you go through your day, Lucas, you have lots of opportunities to either react to people and situations from the DDT roles of Victim, Persecutor, and Rescuer … or, you can respond to those people or experiences from the point of view of a Creator, Challenger, or Coach. In every situation, you’ll find yourself at the intersection of all these roles. You’ll be standing right here.” Ted placed his marker in the center of the circle. “At the choice point.” (Location 1366) #✂️

“Kind of like finding the commitment behind the complaint?” (Location 1488) #✂️

“Other times, I realized that I really didn’t care about the issue. Usually that was when someone came to me with a problem that was causing them to feel anxiety and to react. In those cases, I could either move into the Coach role and help the other person clarify the outcome or choice they wanted to make. Or I might move into being a Challenger—by challenging their assumption that the issue needed an immediate response. (Location 1490) #✂️

It’s called ‘problem reframing.’ You do this mostly from the role of Coach. You begin by asking the person what it is about the problem that they care about. (Location 1505) #✂️

‘ask first, tell second.’” (Location 1572) #✂️

“Management is a role, a formal position you can point to on an organization chart that shows who reports to whom. (Location 1601) #✂️

Leadership, on the other hand, is something that everyone is capable of. It doesn’t need to be official. You lead your team of analysts. Each of those analysts leads in the way they interact with their internal clients and with one another. (Location 1602) #✂️

Ted’s 3 Vital Questions have a lot more to do with leadership than they have to do with management.” (Location 1604) #✂️

Getting clear about our assumptions is powerful, (Location 1656) #✂️

Ted continued, “Sarah’s idea—that you can ‘pass or play’—is right on the money! When faced with a drama situation—especially with another person or in a group—a Creator can always choose whether to let the drama pass them by or play into the DDT. (Location 1753) #✂️

“When you and Sarah were watching that politician on TV, she avoided a common pitfall by ‘passing.’ She managed not to enter into what I call the ‘kinship of victimhood.’” “What’s that?” asked Lucas. “Well, I see and hear it all too frequently,” said Ted. “It’s when people reinforce each other in the Victim perspective. (Location 1758) #✂️

“The third vital question is, What actions are you taking?” (Location 1778) #✂️

“If you’re operating from the problem-focused Victim Orientation and relating to others—and to your experience in general—from the DDT, the actions you take are destined to be reactions. That is, your actions react to the anxiety and fear you feel. (Location 1779) #✂️

“On the other hand, if you’ve adopted a Creator Orientation and are focused on outcomes—if you’re relating to others and to your experience through the TED* roles—then the actions you take are going to be creative and generative. As you engage in creating outcomes, you also solve problems. (Location 1781) #✂️

The idea of baby steps is central to the third vital question.” (Location 1787) #✂️

“The third vital question is all about harnessing the power of what’s called dynamic tension. (Location 1789) #✂️

“Dynamic tension always starts with a focus on the outcome you want to create,” (Location 1791) #✂️

But you know the direction you want to be moving. As you define your outcome, here’s a powerful question to ask: If your outcome were fully complete, how would you know? Another way to put it: What is your criteria for success?” (Location 1793) #✂️

“The second part of this three-part process of creating is to figure out what your current reality is—in relation to the outcome you’re trying to create.” (Location 1805) #✂️

When we engage this dynamic tension, we human beings often feel anxious. This anxiety comes along with the creative force of tension when we don’t know how to hold the tension. (Location 1820) #✂️

“Anxiety is the inner state of the problem-focused Victim Orientation.” (Location 1825) #✂️

“The first possible reaction: you could let go of, or compromise, your vision of the outcome. (Location 1830) #✂️

“The other way you could react to the anxiety you feel is to distort or misrepresent the current reality. (Location 1836) #✂️

In problem solving, it’s important to choose the problems that directly relate to the outcome you want to create. You want to put your time and attention on those. (Location 1855) #✂️

“Third: you never know when a baby step is going to be a breakthrough or a quantum leap—something that never would have happened had you not taken that step,” said Ted. “This is where synchronicity and serendipity can show up. You take action, you take your baby step, and something totally unexpected shows up to support your movement toward the outcome.” (Location 1869) #✂️

“So there you have it, the three-step process—you might say the three-step dance—of creating. First, focus on what you want—the outcome. Second, pay attention to what you have now—the current reality. And third, take the baby step. (Location 1874) #✂️

“we brainstormed possible next steps we could consider taking action on. We looked at our current reality—both supports and inhibitors—in relation to our outcome. And then we came up with four options about what we might do next. Our tag words for these were keep, stop, change, and start. (Location 2058) #✂️

Gallup research indicates that there’s approximately $500 billion in lost productivity annually, in the United States alone, due to negative behavior in organizations. Other research has estimated that managers spend as much as 40% of their time dealing with conflict and drama. (Location 74) #✂️

At a minimum, workplace drama causes inefficiency, frustration, and waste. The personal costs to those who work in organizations is immeasurable. (Location 77) #✂️

Then, I came across an article by Peter Senge (“Building Learning Organizations,” published in the March 1992 issue of the Journal for Quality and Participation). (Location 108) #✂️

The article referred to these three dimensions simply as A, B, and C (see also Diagram 1): The production and delivery of products and/or services. This is “the work” we engage in to serve our customers and clients. The design and implementation of the systems, processes, and structures that enable the work to be done. The primary responsibility for this dimension is held by management. The way we think about how we think, interact, and take action. To quote Senge’s article, “Ultimately, the quality of [this] work determines the quality of the systems and processes [that organizations] design and the products and services [they] provide” (p. 35). This is the work of leadership—which can include anyone, anywhere in the organization. (Location 112) #✂️

Douglas McGregor, at MIT’s Sloan School of Management in the 1940s, developed a theory of employee motivation that addresses thinking about how we think, interact, and act. He called it, simply, Theory X and Theory Y. (Location 122) #✂️

Theory X sees employees (and co-workers) as problems. It assumes that people are basically lazy and will avoid work if they can, so they need to be controlled and threatened with punishment if they do not perform. (Location 124) #✂️

Theory Y, on the other hand, assumes that employees and co-workers are inherently self-motivated and seek out work and responsibility that satisfies their desire to create products and services that meet the needs of others. (Location 128) #✂️

And here it is, the fundamental reason: most change initiatives are rooted in dimension B—management’s systems, processes and structures—without any consideration for, let alone work within, dimension C, which is how we’re thinking about how we work. (Location 134) #✂️

The 3 Vital Questions are purely focused on dimension C—a dimension of work that has been missing in all too many change methodologies. (Location 141) #✂️

Question 1. Where are you putting your focus? Are you focusing on problems or on outcomes? Question 2. How are you relating? How are you relating to others, to your experience, and even to yourself? Are you relating in ways that produce or perpetuate drama, or in ways that empower others and yourself to be more resourceful, resilient, and innovative? Question 3. What actions are you taking? Are you merely reacting to the problems of the moment, or are you taking creative and generative action—including the solving of problems—in service to outcomes? (Location 150) #✂️

The principles of what Fritz calls structural tension are captured in his books The Path of Least Resistance (1989) and Creating (1991). (Location 159) #✂️

Fritz’s concepts were described as creative tension in Peter Senge’s classic The Fifth Discipline (1990). (Location 160) #✂️

I choose to describe this framework—in chapters 10 and 11—as dynamic tension because my experience is that it characterizes the constant change and unfolding involved in the process of creating outcomes. This work informs the third of the 3 Vital Questions. (Location 161) #✂️

the extraordinary book Mastering Leadership (Location 166) #✂️

How the Way We Talk Can Change the Way We Work: Seven Languages of Transformation (Location 181) #✂️

Problem Orientation, which is one of two primary orientations. The CEO I mentioned said that the Problem Orientation is the default mindset of most people and organizations. (Location 300) #✂️

“FISBE is an acronym that describes the human operating system that every one of us is using, all the time,” (Location 307) #✂️

“The F in FISBE stands for focus,” he said, writing the word in the top circle, “and this focus sets up the rest of the operating system. That’s because whatever you focus on, that’s what gets your inner state going. (Location 308) #✂️

Your inner state is your emotional response to whatever you place your attention on—what you’re thinking about. So the I and S stand for inner state.” (Location 309) #✂️

“Depending on this emotional response,” he continued, “this inner state then drives your behavior.” He wrote capital BE, for behavior, in the third circle. “So FISBE stands for focus, inner state, and behavior. (Location 311) #✂️

we human beings are cognitive—or thinking—creatures. Our thoughts set up our focus. We’re also emotional beings. Our emotions determine our inner state. And, of course, as individuals and groups, we take actions and engage in behaviors,” (Location 317) #✂️

“You can see how the same situation triggered positive thoughts for one person and negative thoughts for the other—their focus was different. This caused them to experience very different inner states, which then led to very different actions, or behaviors. The same situation, with different FISBEs, created two totally different experiences.” (Location 338) #✂️

“As you might suspect, the focus here is on problems,” he said, and he wrote Problem in the focus circle. “A problem can show up in all kinds of ways: maybe someone emails you, or calls or texts you. Or maybe someone walks into your office and starts talking about a problem. “As you take in this new information as a problem,” said Ted, “your inner state arises—and that’s going to be some kind of anxiety.” Ted wrote Anxiety in the inner state circle. “Then, depending on how bad you think the problem is, your anxiety could be anything from a little irritation to intense fear. Either way, the inner state of anxiety will trigger you into action. “This action you take—that’s your behavior, of course—is some form of reaction. (Location 349) #✂️

There are four ways you might react: fight, flight, freeze, or appease.” (Location 354) #✂️

“You’re telling yourself you’re reacting to the problem, when really you’re reacting to the anxiety you feel about the problem. If you didn’t feel some level of anxiety, you’d let the situation pass on by. The false assumption is that the problem is driving this operating system. But it isn’t—the Problem Orientation, the operating system, only sets it in motion. It’s actually your anxiety that’s driving the whole shebang.” (Location 375) #✂️

“The false hope is that if you can just solve the problem, then everything will be okay … or that you’ll then be able to focus on something more important. Right?” (Location 382) #✂️

“Another problem. Seems like there’s always a new issue lurking under the last one. I’m just waiting for the next incoming problem!” “And that’s why it’s a false hope that problems will go away,” (Location 386) #✂️

“In this orientation, you have a much different focus. Here your thinking is oriented toward envisioning an outcome. Sometimes the outcome you have in mind is clear—you know almost exactly what it is and how you want it to happen. Other times this outcome may be somewhat vague in your mind, but you have a general idea of the direction you’re heading. (Location 401) #✂️

“What’s important is that you care about the outcome you envision. Because when you really care about it, that ignites an inner state of passion,” said Ted, and he wrote the word Passion in the inner state circle. In the behavior circle he wrote Baby Step, then turned to face Lucas. (Location 404) #✂️

“That passion,” he continued, “provides the motivational fuel to take the next step in your process toward creating the outcome—whatever that step may be. (Location 406) #✂️

The key to this first vital question is to upgrade to the Outcome Orientation as your primary way of thinking, here at work and, really, throughout your life.” (Location 428) #✂️

AIR stands for three major distinctions between the two FISBEs: your attention, intention, and results. (Location 436) #✂️

“Here in the Problem Orientation, your attention is on the problem, of course. When (Location 439) #✂️

“your attention begins to move naturally toward whatever it is that you do want, and what you really care about. That doesn’t mean you won’t have any more problems, but it does mean there will be a big shift in your relationship to those problems. Instead of seeing problems everywhere you look, you start taking on only the problems that need to be solved to create the outcome you want. (Location 444) #✂️

“Your intention is really to get rid of, or get away from, your anxiety through various behaviors—either fight, flight, freeze, or appease. Behaviors you hope will solve the problem. (Location 454) #✂️

“your intention is to move toward the outcome and, through the baby steps, or the actions you take, to bring that intention into being over time.” Lucas joined in. “So, the difference is between moving away from what you don’t want—the problem—and moving toward the outcome you do want.” (Location 457) #✂️

Ted added, “So anytime you find yourself faced with a situation that seems to come up over and over again—be it with a team member at work, someone in your personal life, or even within yourself—it is virtually guaranteed you’re coming at that situation from the Problem Orientation. You do something about the situation, it gets better for a while, and then sometime down the road, there it is again! (Location 496) #✂️

“As you focus on your envisioned outcome, your passion goes up.” He drew a plus sign. “As your passion increases, your desire to take the next baby step increases, too.” Another plus sign. “Then, as you take that next step, you get closer to, or clearer about, the outcome”—a third plus sign on the board—“and that increases your passion and your will to take action.” (Location 516) #✂️

“In the Problem Orientation, you unwittingly allow circumstances to define your focus by giving your attention to whatever is generating anxiety. (Location 536) #✂️

But in the Outcome Orientation, you cultivate a very different relationship with problems. Because you have a vision of the outcome you want to create, you’re able to pick and choose which problems really deserve your attention, focus, and energy. Then you can prioritize—dealing only with the problems most likely to help create that outcome. Anxiety may still be there, but you’re no longer driven to react to it.” (Location 541) #✂️

‘Every job can have either a trivial description or a noble one.’” (Location 658) #✂️

“The first exercise has to do with the thoughts and feelings you experience … and the actions you take … in each of the orientations. And just a note about ‘thoughts’—they can be things you say silently to yourself as well as things you say out loud to other people,” Kasey explained. Lucas wrote “thoughts, feelings, and actions” (Location 674) #✂️

“A reactive trigger is anything or anyone that causes or activates you to react—to see that person or thing as a problem that engages some form of anxiety. Once you’re triggered, you react with a fight, flight, freeze, or appease response. Those are the reactive strategies. (Location 703) #✂️

Being able to step back and reflect on things is really key, Lucas. Ted calls it ‘going up to the balcony.’ The more you can observe, the more you will be able to make different and more empowering choices about how to respond. It will be great to get into the habit of writing down your observations of thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and actions, as well as your reactive triggers and reactive strategies.” (Location 722) #✂️

the Problem Orientation is actually a Victim Orientation, because usually we feel victimized by the problems we’re reacting to. On the other hand, the Outcome Orientation is really a Creator Orientation, from which you create outcomes and the baby steps you’ll take to accomplish those outcomes. (Location 813) #✂️

One is, How are you relating to other people? Another is, How are you relating to what is going on in your life? And the third is, How you are relating to yourself? “The key here is, are you relating in ways that are going to produce or perpetuate drama, or are you relating in ways that empower yourself and others to be more resourceful, resilient, and innovative?” (Location 822) #✂️

Stephen Karpman identified a triangle of relationship roles that make up what you might call the Dreaded Drama Triangle, or DDT. (Location 832) #✂️

“The central role in the DDT is the role of Victim, Lucas. And here’s a rule you can go by: anytime you find yourself complaining—whenever there is something you want or care about that you feel powerless to have, do, or be—then you know you’re stuck in the Victim role,” (Location 836) #✂️

“But feeling victimized is very different from victimhood,” said Ted. “Sadly, victimhood can become a whole self-identity, a way of being in life that keeps you feeling like you have no choice, that life is just happening to you and you can’t do anything to change it. (Location 844) #✂️

anytime you—or anyone else—inhabits the Victim role, there has to be a Persecutor. (Location 854) #✂️

“While you might think of a Persecutor as a person—like your new boss, maybe—there are other forms a Persecutor can take. It might be a health condition, such as heart disease or diabetes. The Persecutor also could be a situation such as a hurricane or earthquake, or any of the other tragic events we see on the news. (Location 855) #✂️

“When the Persecutor is a person, often they seek to control and dominate the drama. They actually fear their own victimization, so they become aggressive. Then they can easily blame the Victim for whatever is happening. (Location 864) #✂️

The Persecutor is ‘the problem’ that the Victim is reacting to out of fear or anxiety.” Ted put down his marker. “Does that sound familiar?” (Location 866) #✂️

“There are three ways a Rescuer can come in and complete the DDT. One, the Victim goes looking for a Rescuer and invites them into the drama. Second, someone intervenes to either take care of or fix the Victim, or goes after the Persecutor to protect the Victim. Then the third kind of Rescuer could be someone or some situation that the Victim hopes will emerge to, as you say, ‘save the day.’ (Location 873) #✂️

the shadow side of the Rescuer individual is that, while their actions are usually well-intended, taking care of or fixing the Victim only reinforces the Victim’s feelings of powerlessness and resentment about their victimization.” (Location 883) #✂️

“And what’s more, the Rescuer takes actions based on fear, too, just like the Persecutor does. The Rescuer’s fear is that they will not be needed—so they seek out a Victim they can ‘help.’ This renews the Rescuer’s sense of purpose—to fix or protect or take care of the Victim. (Location 885) #✂️

Victim, Persecutor, and Rescuer—are locked in reaction to fear, each using a different strategy to stave off that fear, of things spinning out of control. (Location 887) #✂️

being a Creator has two main characteristics. First, a Creator focuses on creating outcomes, just as we talked about earlier. The second characteristic—and this is really important—is that a Creator takes responsibility for the way they respond to whatever happens in their experience. Creators do this even when they feel victimized.” (Location 930) #✂️

“Wait a minute. Are you saying that a Creator chooses a fight, flight, freeze, or appease reaction to whatever is going on? Isn’t that what Victims do?” “You’re so right,” Ted said. “The choosing is the big difference here, as well as the range of choices. There is actually a big difference between just reacting to a situation and choosing how to respond to it.” (Location 932) #✂️

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” (Location 942) #✂️

Challengers spark learning and growth. When something happens and you feel victimized, if you can ask ‘What can I learn from this person, this condition, or this situation?’ instead of reacting to it as though it’s your Persecutor … well, then you’ve unlocked the secret to the Challenger role. (Location 953) #✂️

“Challengers call forth learning and growth. Sometimes the Challengers in your life are aware of the role they’re playing. These are conscious, constructive Challengers who inspire and evoke learning. Have you ever had a boss who actively challenged you to learn and grow?” (Location 956) #✂️

You might call these unconscious, deconstructive Challengers.” (Location 966) #✂️

“What I mean by that is, sometimes there’ll be people who aren’t intentionally challenging you, but you may experience them that way. (Location 967) #✂️

“A Coach supports a Creator,” said Ted, “by asking questions that help clarify that Creator’s intended outcomes or help the Creator to see their current reality more clearly. Coaches also help Creators understand what they’re learning and support them in deciding what actions they’ll take. (Location 978) #✂️

A true Coach will never try to take away a Creator’s power to choose their own responses and actions. (Location 982) #✂️

“There are three Reactive Tendencies that the Leadership Circle Profile provides feedback on. They’re called Controlling, Protecting, and Complying. Everyone learns aspects of all three of these styles, but people tend to develop one or two of these as their main way of reacting. “And here’s the kicker: there’s a close relationship between those Reactive Tendencies and the roles in the Dreaded Drama Triangle. (Location 1061) #✂️

shifts can happen either internally or externally.” (Location 1257) #✂️

“The internal shift happens when you change the way you think and respond to the stuff going on around you—that’s an inside-out shift. First you shift to seeing yourself as a Creator. Then, once you really see yourself that way, you begin to realize all people are Creators. (Location 1258) #✂️

“The external shift has to do with the way you relate to others and to whatever’s going on around you. Once you make the internal shift, then just naturally you’re going to show up differently to those around you. (Location 1264) #✂️

“When you choose to adopt a Creator Orientation and shift your focus from problems to outcomes—focusing on what you do want instead of what you don’t want—then you’re making the fundamental internal shift. (Location 1274) #✂️

“You can’t make someone shift. If you really see that everyone is a Creator in their own right—whether or not they know it or act like it—then you have to accept that they hold the power to make their own choice. (Location 1284) #✂️

“If someone’s acting like a Victim, then right behind their feelings of victimization, you’ll find something they care about. (Location 1305) #✂️

“So here’s what you can try if you want to help someone shift. First and foremost, let them know you hear their anger or frustration or whatever their inner state is. Then subtly invite them to shift. After they see that you understand how they feel, you might say something like, ‘I can tell you really care about …’ whatever it is you think lies behind their victimization. (Location 1306) #✂️

“And the key to helping other people see you as a conscious, constructive Challenger in your relationships,” Ted went on, “is to know what your intention is.” (Location 1321) #✂️

“Before you challenge someone, it’s important to ask yourself if your intention is to make yourself look good, or to encourage learning and growth,” (Location 1323) #✂️

“Oh, and one last point about this shift,” Ted added. “It means you’re moving from controlling—which is what a Persecutor is trying to do—to compassion.” (Location 1334) #✂️

“The key to shifting from a Rescuer to a Coach for others is, first and foremost, to see the people you coach as basically capable and resourceful. Along with that, a Coach recognizes that everyone holds the responsibility for the choices they make.” (Location 1351) #✂️

“It’s pretty similar,” Ted agreed. “Both a Challenger and a Coach see the other person as a Creator in their own right. A Coach’s basic toolkit is asking questions that support others to clarify, and then to commit to action.” (Location 1354) #✂️

“There are three main ways to get clarity. One is to clarify the outcome you want to create, the second is to clearly recognize and then speak the truth about your current reality, and the third way is to get clear about the actions, or baby steps, you’re going to take. (Location 1356) #✂️

“As you go through your day, Lucas, you have lots of opportunities to either react to people and situations from the DDT roles of Victim, Persecutor, and Rescuer … or, you can respond to those people or experiences from the point of view of a Creator, Challenger, or Coach. In every situation, you’ll find yourself at the intersection of all these roles. You’ll be standing right here.” Ted placed his marker in the center of the circle. “At the choice point.” (Location 1366) #✂️

“Kind of like finding the commitment behind the complaint?” (Location 1488) #✂️

“Other times, I realized that I really didn’t care about the issue. Usually that was when someone came to me with a problem that was causing them to feel anxiety and to react. In those cases, I could either move into the Coach role and help the other person clarify the outcome or choice they wanted to make. Or I might move into being a Challenger—by challenging their assumption that the issue needed an immediate response. (Location 1490) #✂️

It’s called ‘problem reframing.’ You do this mostly from the role of Coach. You begin by asking the person what it is about the problem that they care about. (Location 1505) #✂️

‘ask first, tell second.’” (Location 1572) #✂️

“Management is a role, a formal position you can point to on an organization chart that shows who reports to whom. (Location 1601) #✂️

Leadership, on the other hand, is something that everyone is capable of. It doesn’t need to be official. You lead your team of analysts. Each of those analysts leads in the way they interact with their internal clients and with one another. (Location 1602) #✂️

Ted’s 3 Vital Questions have a lot more to do with leadership than they have to do with management.” (Location 1604) #✂️

Getting clear about our assumptions is powerful, (Location 1656) #✂️

Ted continued, “Sarah’s idea—that you can ‘pass or play’—is right on the money! When faced with a drama situation—especially with another person or in a group—a Creator can always choose whether to let the drama pass them by or play into the DDT. (Location 1753) #✂️

“When you and Sarah were watching that politician on TV, she avoided a common pitfall by ‘passing.’ She managed not to enter into what I call the ‘kinship of victimhood.’” “What’s that?” asked Lucas. “Well, I see and hear it all too frequently,” said Ted. “It’s when people reinforce each other in the Victim perspective. (Location 1758) #✂️

“The third vital question is, What actions are you taking?” (Location 1778) #✂️

“If you’re operating from the problem-focused Victim Orientation and relating to others—and to your experience in general—from the DDT, the actions you take are destined to be reactions. That is, your actions react to the anxiety and fear you feel. (Location 1779) #✂️

“On the other hand, if you’ve adopted a Creator Orientation and are focused on outcomes—if you’re relating to others and to your experience through the TED* roles—then the actions you take are going to be creative and generative. As you engage in creating outcomes, you also solve problems. (Location 1781) #✂️

The idea of baby steps is central to the third vital question.” (Location 1787) #✂️

“The third vital question is all about harnessing the power of what’s called dynamic tension. (Location 1789) #✂️

“Dynamic tension always starts with a focus on the outcome you want to create,” (Location 1791) #✂️

But you know the direction you want to be moving. As you define your outcome, here’s a powerful question to ask: If your outcome were fully complete, how would you know? Another way to put it: What is your criteria for success?” (Location 1793) #✂️

“The second part of this three-part process of creating is to figure out what your current reality is—in relation to the outcome you’re trying to create.” (Location 1805) #✂️

When we engage this dynamic tension, we human beings often feel anxious. This anxiety comes along with the creative force of tension when we don’t know how to hold the tension. (Location 1820) #✂️

“Anxiety is the inner state of the problem-focused Victim Orientation.” (Location 1825) #✂️

“The first possible reaction: you could let go of, or compromise, your vision of the outcome. (Location 1830) #✂️

“The other way you could react to the anxiety you feel is to distort or misrepresent the current reality. (Location 1836) #✂️

In problem solving, it’s important to choose the problems that directly relate to the outcome you want to create. You want to put your time and attention on those. (Location 1855) #✂️

“Third: you never know when a baby step is going to be a breakthrough or a quantum leap—something that never would have happened had you not taken that step,” said Ted. “This is where synchronicity and serendipity can show up. You take action, you take your baby step, and something totally unexpected shows up to support your movement toward the outcome.” (Location 1869) #✂️

“So there you have it, the three-step process—you might say the three-step dance—of creating. First, focus on what you want—the outcome. Second, pay attention to what you have now—the current reality. And third, take the baby step. (Location 1874) #✂️

“we brainstormed possible next steps we could consider taking action on. We looked at our current reality—both supports and inhibitors—in relation to our outcome. And then we came up with four options about what we might do next. Our tag words for these were keep, stop, change, and start. (Location 2058) #✂️