Now, what makes one of your conversations crucial as opposed to plain vanilla? First, opinions vary. For example, you’re talking with your boss about a possible promotion. She thinks you’re not ready; you think you are. Second, stakes are high. You’re in a meeting with four coworkers, and you’re trying to pick a new marketing strategy. You’ve got to do something different, or your company is in trouble. Third, emotions run strong. You’re in the middle of a casual discussion with your spouse, and he or she brings up an “ugly incident” that took place at yesterday’s neighborhood party. (130)

What makes each of these conversations crucial—and not simply frustrating, frightening, or annoying—is that the outcome could have a huge impact on either relationships or results that affect you greatly. (143)

In each of these examples, the determining factor between success and failure is the amount of time that passes between when the problem emerges and when those involved find a way to honestly and respectfully resolve it. (176)

You can measure the health of relationships, teams, and organizations by measuring the lag time between when problems are identified and when they are resolved. The only reliable path to resolving problems is to find the shortest path to effective conversation. (188)

When it comes to Crucial Conversations, you have only two choices: 1.   Talk it out. 2.   Act it out. If you fail to discuss issues you have with your boss, your life partner, your neighbor, or your peer, will those issues magically disappear? No. Instead, they will become the lens you see the other person through. And how you see always shows up in how you act. Your resentment will show up in how you treat the other person. (209)

The sad irony of Crucial Conversations is that when it matters most, we tend to do our worst. (219)

Our natural tendencies in moments that seem threatening lean toward fight or flight rather than listen and speak. (223)

What do you have to work with? The issue at hand, the other person, and a brain that’s drunk on adrenaline and almost incapable of rational thought. It’s little wonder we often say and do things that make perfect sense in the moment but later on seem, well, stupid. (233)

With no healthy models, what do you do? You do what most people do. You wing it. You piece together the words, try to make them sound nonthreatening, and hope the other person agrees with your perspective right away. But since you have no real idea of how to bring up the topic safely or respond to the other person’s arguments, your attempts tend to fall short, and the lag time grows. (246)

Unfortunately (and here’s where the problem becomes self-defeating), the more you snip and snap, the less your loved one wants to be around you. So he or she spends less time with you, you become even more upset, and the spiral continues. Your behavior is now actually creating the very thing you didn’t want in the first place. (255)

In a series of studies across 17 organizations, we identified thousands of what we call “opinion leaders.” We’ll cover more on what this term means in the next chapter. For now, just know that these were individuals who were admired by peers and bosses alike for their competence and insight. One of the most commonly cited skills people associated with them was their ability to raise emotionally and politically risky issues in a way that others couldn’t. (292)

We discovered that the only way to really strengthen relationships is through the truth, not around it. (308)

Silence kills. A doctor is getting ready to insert a central IV line into a patient but fails to put on the proper gloves, gown, and mask to ensure the procedure is done as safely as possible. After the nurse reminds the doctor of the proper protections, the doctor ignores her comment and begins the insertion. In a study of over 7,000 doctors and nurses, we’ve found caregivers face this crucial moment all the time. In fact, 84 percent of respondents said that they regularly see people taking shortcuts, exhibiting incompetence, or breaking rules. And that’s not the problem! The real problem is that those who observe deviations or infractions say nothing. (317)

Across the world we’ve found that the odds of a nurse speaking up in this crucial moment are less than 1 in 12. The odds of doctors stepping up to similar Crucial Conversations aren’t much better. (323)

You can predict months or years in advance with nearly 90 percent accuracy which projects will fail. The predictor of success or failure was whether people could hold specific, relevant Crucial Conversations. For example, could they speak up if they thought the scope and schedule were unrealistic? (330)

Fortunately, in those organizations where people were able to candidly and effectively speak up about these concerns, the projects were less than half as likely to fail. (334)

For example, when psychologist Howard Markman examined couples in the throes of heated discussions, he learned that people fall into three categories—those who digress into threats and name-calling, those who revert to silent fuming, and those who speak openly, honestly, and effectively. After observing couples for hundreds of hours, Markman and his research partner Clifford Notarius predicted relationship outcomes and tracked their research subjects’ relationships for the next decade. Remarkably, they predicted nearly 90 percent of the divorces that occurred.1 But more importantly, they found that helping couples learn to hold Crucial Conversations more effectively reduced the chance of unhappiness or breakup by more than half! (364)

Consider the groundbreaking research done by Dr. Janice Kiecolt-Glaser and Dr. Ronald Glaser. They studied the immune systems of couples who had been married an average of 42 years by comparing those who argued constantly with those who resolved their differences effectively. It turns out that arguing for decades doesn’t lessen the destructive blow of constant conflict. Quite the contrary. Those who routinely failed their Crucial Conversations had far weaker immune systems and worse health than those who found a way to resolve them well. (377)

Each time, as we compiled the names into a list, a pattern emerged. Lots of people were named by one or two colleagues. Some found their way onto five or six lists. These were people who were good at influence, but not good enough to be widely identified as top opinion leaders. And then there were the handful who were named 30 or more times. (412)

The mistake most of us make in our Crucial Conversations is we believe that we have to choose between telling the truth and keeping a friend. As we suggested in the previous chapter, we begin believing in the Fool’s Choice from an early age. (446)

It’s the one thing that Kevin and the other extremely effective communicators we studied were routinely able to achieve. What they do is effectively create a dialogue. (467)

People who are skilled at dialogue do their best to make it safe for everyone to add meaning to the shared pool—even ideas that at first glance appear controversial or wrong. Obviously, everyone doesn’t agree with every idea; people simply do their best to ensure that all ideas find their way into the open. (478)

As the Pool of Shared Meaning grows, it helps people in two ways. First, as individuals are exposed to more accurate and relevant information, they make better choices. In a very real sense, the Pool of Shared Meaning is a measure of a group’s IQ. The larger the shared pool, the smarter the decisions. (481)

In short: The Pool of Shared Meaning is the birthplace of synergy. As people sit through an open discussion, they understand why the shared solution is the best option, and they’re committed to act. (497)

Conversely, when people aren’t involved, when they sit back during touchy conversations, they’re rarely committed to the final decision. Since their ideas remain in their heads and their opinions never make it into the pool, they end up quietly criticizing and passively resisting. Similarly, when others force their ideas into the pool, people have a hard time accepting the information. (500)

Every time we find ourselves arguing, running away, or otherwise acting in an ineffective way, it’s because we don’t know how to share meaning. Instead of engaging in healthy dialogue, we play costly games. For instance, sometimes we move to silence. We play Salute and Stay Mute. That is, we don’t confront people in positions of authority. (512)

On other occasions, not knowing how to stay in dialogue, we try to force our meaning into the pool. We rely on emotional violence—anything from verbal sniping, to intellectual bullying, to outright verbal attacks. We act like we know everything, hoping people will believe our arguments. (519)

In order to move to our best, we have to find a way to explain what is in each of our personal pools of meaning—especially our high-stakes, sensitive, and controversial thoughts and opinions—and to get others to share their pools. (524)

When facing a Crucial Conversation, most of us unconsciously make a “Fool’s Choice”—we think we have to choose between “telling the truth” and “keeping a friend.” Skilled communicators resist this false tradeoff and look for ways to do both. They look for a way to be both 100 percent honest and 100 percent respectful at the same time. In short, they look for way to get to dialogue: a condition where meaning flows freely between parties resulting in a larger pool of information shared by all. A larger shared pool of meaning leads to better decisions, better relationships, and more unified action. The remainder of this book shares learnable skills designed to help you get to dialogue during your most crucial moments. (580)

Crucial Conversations are most successful when they’re focused on one issue. Because human interactions are inherently complex, focusing a Crucial Conversation on a single topic takes effort. It requires us to thoughtfully unbundle and then prioritize the issues at hand. (607)

When faced with complex problems like this, we rarely stop and ponder which topic we should address. Instead, we naturally default to one of two mistaken directions: Easy over hard. When faced with a high-stakes, emotional conversation, we have a bias for choosing the topic we think we can win with. That usually means we pick something easier than the issue that is really in the way of our most important goals. We think, “I’ll just start with this little issue and see how that goes.” It’s like we’re testing the waters. Or trying to get across the lake without getting wet. For example, if you’ve concluded your direct report is incompetent at some aspect of his or her job, you might sugarcoat the problem by addressing minor recent mistakes. Your unstated hope is that your report will infer how big the problem is without your coming out and saying it. Nice try. But easy rarely works. Recent over right. We tend to focus on the most recent event or behavior rather than on the one that matters the most. If a colleague treats your comments in meetings in a way you find disrespectful, you talk about the most recent slight rather than sharing the larger pattern. “Hey,” you say after the meeting, “you started talking over me in there when I hadn’t finished my point.” Your colleague shrugs and says, “Shoot. Sorry. I guess I got a little too enthusiastic.” You say, “Uh-huh.” But you think, “You do that all the time, you self-centered jerk!” (645)

To avoid this mistake, learn to recognize three signals that you’re talking about the wrong thing. Memorize them. (660)

1.   Your emotions escalate. (663)

2.   You walk away skeptical. (668)

3.   You’re in a dèjá vu dialogue. (672)

One of the best ways to ensure you talk about the right topic is to get good at noticing when you’re on the wrong one. Memorize these three warning signs. (676)

SKILLS FOR FINDING THE RIGHT TOPIC (678)

The answer is that this person is skilled at three elements of choosing the right topic. The person knows how to unbundle, choose, and simplify the issues involved. (683)

You can remember these levels with the acronym CPR. (687)

Content. The first time a problem comes up, talk about the content—the immediate pain. If either the action itself or its immediate consequences are the issue, you’ve got a content problem. (688)

Pattern. The next time the same problem comes up, think pattern. Now the concern is not just that this has happened once, but that a pattern is starting to develop, or already has. (692)

The first time something happens, it’s an incident. The second time it might be coincidence. The third time, it’s a pattern. (698)

Relationship. Finally, as problems continue, they can begin to impact the relationship. Relationship issues get to deeper concerns about trust, competence, or respect. (699)

Taking time to address the process of how we are communicating is especially important when there are differences in our communication styles or when our mode of communication changes from what we’re used to. (736)

Process conversations are also especially important in relationships that are largely or exclusively virtual. When contact is infrequent, it’s essential to talk explicitly about how you will communicate. (748)

The next step in finding the right topic to discuss is to choose. Choosing is a matter of filtering all the issues you’ve teased apart through a single question: “What do I really want?” (754)

Having made your choice, be sure you can state simply what you want to discuss. We’re not talking about how you’ll start the conversation. We mean narrow the problem down to a succinct statement. This is harder than it sounds. Try (761)

us. The more words it takes you to describe the topic, the less prepared you are to talk. (764)

Most of the crucial problems we face require us to address issues at the pattern, process, or relationship level. Very rarely is a content issue keeping us stuck. (790)

Once you have chosen the level of the conversation, it is up to you to keep it there. More often than not, when you step up to a pattern- or relationship-level conversation with someone, the other person’s tendency will be to seek safety in a content-level conversation. (797)

Place a Bookmark Clarity is crucial. But so is flexibility. Remember, this isn’t a monologue. It should be a dialogue. There are other people in this conversation, and they have their own wants and needs. In some Crucial Conversations, new issues will come up, and you need to balance focus (on your goals) with flexibility (to meet their goals). (818)

What do you do when you start a conversation focused on one issue and new issues emerge? You have a choice to make. You can either stay focused on the original issue or move to a new one. In all cases, you want to place a bookmark. When you place a bookmark, you verbally acknowledge where you’re going in the conversation and what you intend to come back to. (835)

When you place a bookmark, you make a conscious choice about what you want to talk about. And you register clearly with the other person that you will return to the bookmarked issue later. Never allow the conversation to shift or the topic to change without acknowledging you’ve done it. (845)

The first step in achieving the results we really want is to stop believing that others are the source of all that ails us. Our sister is not the problem; our motives are. It’s our dogmatic conviction that “if we could just fix those losers, all would go better” that keeps us from taking action that could lead to dialogue and progress. (913)

them. The fastest way to free yourself of a hurtful motive is to simply admit you’ve got it. When you name the game, you can stop playing it. Now ask, “What do I really want?” Ask yourself these three questions: “What do I really want for myself?” “What do I really want for others?” “What do I really want for the relationship?” (1005)

Once you’ve asked yourself what you want, add one more equally telling question: “What should I do right now to move toward what I really want?” (1012)

questions. Asking “What do I really want for myself in the long term?” helps us shift our focus from our immediate, near-term desires to a more profound consideration of who we want to be: “What kind of person do I want to be?” “How do I want to treat others?” “How do I need to show up in this conversation in order to be that kind of person?” (1023)

Third, present your brain with a more complex problem. Finally, combine the two into an and question that forces you to search for more creative and productive options than silence or violence: “How can we have a candid conversation and strengthen our relationships?” (1074)

Claim one. Emotions don’t settle upon you like a fog. They are not foisted upon you by others. No matter how comfortable it might make you feel to say it, others don’t make you mad. You make you mad. You make you scared, annoyed, insulted, or hurt. You and only you create your emotions. Claim two. Once you’ve created your upset emotions, you have only two options: You can act on them or be acted on by them. That is, when it comes to strong emotions, you either find a way to master them or fall hostage to them. (1144)

Stories Create Feelings As it turns out, there is an intermediate step between what others do and how we feel. Just after we observe what others do and just before we feel some emotion about it, we tell ourselves a story. (1194)

We add meaning to the action we observed. We make a guess at the motive driving the behavior. Why were they doing that? We also add judgment—is that good or bad? And then, based on these thoughts or stories, our body responds with an emotion. This intermediate step is why, when faced with the exact same circumstances, 10 people may have 10 different emotional responses. For instance, with a coworker like Louis, some might feel insulted, whereas others merely feel curious. Some become angry, and others feel concern or even sympathy. (1196)

Stories provide our rationale for what’s going on. They’re our interpretations of the facts. They start by helping to explain what we see and hear (“Carl is walking out of the building with a bright yellow box. Yellow boxes contain secure material”). But usually stories take the what a step further and give voice to why something is happening (“Carl is stealing our intellectual property”). Our stories contain not just conclusions but also judgments (whether something is good or bad) and attributions (interpretation of others’ motives). (1209)

Even if you don’t realize it, you are telling yourself stories. (1223)

Any set of facts can be used to tell an infinite number of stories. (1231)

If we take control of our stories, they won’t control us. (1235)

doing. Then you have to get in touch with why you’re doing it. Here’s how to retrace your path: •   (Act) Notice your behavior. Ask: “Am I acting out my concerns rather than talking them out?” •   (Feel) Put your feelings into words. Ask: “What emotions are encouraging me to act this way?” •   (Tell story) Analyze your stories. Ask: “What story is creating these emotions?” •   (See/hear) Get back to the facts. Ask: (1283)

“What have I seen or heard that supports this story? What have I seen or heard that conflicts with this story?” (1292)

Instead, consider two situations that can be cues to you that it is time to take a pause and retrace your Path to Action: 1.   Bad results. You’re not happy with the results you are getting. You’re in a situation and don’t like the outcome. You’d like to be promoted, but it’s not happening. You’d like to enjoy time with your family, but every time you’re at extended family gatherings, tempers flare. Whatever the situation, if you are not happy with the outcome, start by looking at how you behaved and the Path to Action that led to your behavior. 2.   Tough emotions. You’re feeling negative emotions. Strong ones. This is one of the best cues that it is time to retrace your path. If you’re angry, frustrated, hurt, upset, or irritated, this is a great cue to ask why. Why am I feeling this way, and how is this feeling causing me to act? (1298)

Actually, identifying your emotions is more difficult than you might imagine. In fact, many people are emotionally illiterate. When asked to describe how they’re feeling, they use words such as “bad” or “angry” or “scared”—which would be OK if these were accurate descriptors, but often they’re not. Individuals say they’re angry when, in fact, they’re feeling a mix of embarrassment and surprise. Or they suggest they’re unhappy when they’re feeling violated. Perhaps they suggest they’re upset when they’re really feeling humiliated and hurt. (1317)

It’s important to get in touch with your feelings, and to do so, you may want to expand your emotional vocabulary. (1332)

Analyze Your Stories Question your feelings and stories. Once you’ve identified what you’re feeling, stop and ask if, given the circumstances, it’s the right feeling. Meaning, of course, are you telling the right story? (1333)

The best way to liberate yourself from an overpowering story is to separate facts from story. When trying to strip out story, it helps to test your ideas against a simple criterion: Can you see or hear this thing you’re calling a fact? Was it an actual behavior? (1355)

Spot the story by watching for “hot” words. To avoid confusing story with fact, watch for “hot” terms. For example, when assessing the facts, you might say, “She scowled at me” (1361)

Victim Stories—“It’s Not My Fault” (1395)

Villain Stories—“It’s All Your Fault” (1409)

Helpless Stories—“There’s Nothing Else I Can Do” (1431)

Sellouts are often not big events. In fact, they can be so small that they’re easy for us to overlook when we’re crafting our clever stories. Here are some common ones: •   You believe you should help someone, but don’t. •   You believe you should apologize, but don’t. •   You believe you should stay late to finish up on a commitment, but go home instead. •   You say yes when you know you should say no, then hope no one follows up to see if you keep your commitment. •   You believe you should talk to someone about concerns you have with him or her, but don’t. •   You do less than your share and think you should acknowledge it, but say nothing, knowing no one else will bring it up either. •   You believe you should listen respectfully to feedback, but become defensive instead. •   You see problems with a plan someone presents and think you should speak up, but don’t. •   You fail to complete an assignment on time and believe you should let others know, but don’t. •   You know you have information a coworker could use, but keep it to yourself. (1477)

Even small sellouts like these get us started telling clever stories. When we don’t admit to our own mistakes, we obsess about others’ faults, our innocence, and our powerlessness to do anything other than what we’re already doing. (1493)

A useful story, by definition, creates emotions that lead to healthy action—such as dialogue. And what transforms a clever story into a useful one? The rest of the story. That’s because clever stories have one characteristic in common: They’re incomplete. Clever stories omit crucial information about us, about others, and about our options. Only by including all these essential details can clever stories be transformed into useful ones. (1499)

Turn victims into actors. If you notice that you’re talking about yourself as an innocent victim (and you weren’t held up at gunpoint), ask: “What am I pretending not to notice about my role in the problem?” This question jars you into facing up to the fact that maybe, just maybe, you did something to help cause the problem. (1505)

Turn villains into humans. When you find yourself labeling or otherwise vilifying others, stop and ask: “Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do what this person is doing?” This particular question humanizes others. (1517)

Turn the helpless into the able. Finally, when you catch yourself bemoaning your own helplessness, you can tell the complete story by returning to your original motive. To do so, stop and ask: “What do I really want? For me? For others? For the relationship?” (1535)

Then break free of the Fool’s Choice that’s made you feel helpless to choose anything other than going on the attack or staying silent. Do this by asking: “What should I do right now to move toward what I really want?” (1538)

and the higher the costs. Yet most of us have trouble noticing the early warning signs of declining communication. During Crucial Conversations, the key to maintaining dialogue is to learn to dual-process. Not only do you have to be attentive to the content of the conversation (what is being said), but you also have to skillfully observe the process (how it’s being said). (1665)

So what do you look for when caught in the middle of a Crucial Conversation? What do you need to see in order to catch problems before they become too severe? It helps to watch for three different conditions: the moment a conversation turns crucial, signs that people don’t feel safe (silence or violence), and your own Style Under Stress. (1677)

To help catch problems early, reprogram your mind to pay attention to the signs that suggest you’re in a Crucial Conversation. Some people first notice physical signals. Think about what happens to your body when conversations get tough. (1684)

Others notice their emotions before they notice signs in their body. (1688)

Some people’s first cue is behavioral. (1690)

People who are gifted at dialogue keep a constant vigil on safety. They pay attention to the content, and they watch for signs that people are becoming fearful. (1694)

When it’s safe, you can say anything. Here’s why gifted communicators keep a close eye on safety. Dialogue calls for the free flow of meaning—period. And nothing kills the flow of meaning like fear. (1698)

Both these reactions—fight and flight—are motivated by the same emotion: fear. (1701)

They only become defensive when they no longer feel safe, or when they question why you’re saying the things you are. (1704)

both. Either way, the problem is not the content of your message, but the condition of the conversation. (1707)

message. If you can learn to see when people start to feel unsafe, you can take action to fix it. That means the first challenge is to simply see and understand that safety is at risk. (1711)

You felt safe receiving the feedback because you trusted the motives and ability of the other person. (1716)

Safety isn’t synonymous with comfort. At this point, it is worth noting that feeling safe in a conversation is not synonymous with feeling comfortable. (1720)

vulnerability. The measure of whether a conversation is safe is not how comfortable I feel. It is whether meaning is flowing. (1723)

astray. When others begin to feel unsafe, they start acting in annoying ways. They may make fun of you, insult you, or steamroll you with their arguments. In such moments, you should be thinking to yourself: “Hey, they’re feeling unsafe. I need to do something—maybe make it safer.” (1732)

As people begin to feel unsafe, they start down one of two unhealthy paths. They move either to silence (withholding meaning from the pool) or to verbal violence (trying to force meaning in the pool). (1751)

Silence. Silence consists of any act to purposely withhold information from the pool of meaning. It’s almost always done as a means of avoiding potential problems, and it always restricts the flow of meaning. (1756)

Masking consists of understating or selectively showing our true opinions. Sarcasm, sugarcoating, and couching are some of the more popular forms: (1758)

Avoiding involves steering completely away from sensitive subjects. (1767)

Withdrawing means pulling out of a conversation altogether. (1774)

Violence. Violence consists of any verbal strategy that attempts to convince or control others or compel them to your point of view. It violates safety by trying to force meaning into the pool. Methods range from name-calling and monologuing to making threats. The three most common forms are controlling, labeling, and attacking. (1781)

Controlling consists of coercing others to your way of thinking. (1783)

Labeling is putting a label on people or ideas so we can dismiss them under a general stereotype (1793)

Attacking speaks for itself. Your motive goes from winning the argument to making the other person suffer. (1801)

When safety is at risk and you notice people moving to silence or violence, you need to step out of the content of the conversation (literally stop talking about the topic of your conversation) and rebuild safety. (1952)

When people feel threatened, they move to silence or verbal violence or to flight or fight—none of which are great for problem solving. (1964)

In order for people to feel safe with you, they need to know two things about your intent. They need to know that: •   You care about their concerns (Mutual Purpose). •   You care about them (Mutual Respect). (1987)

We call Mutual Purpose and Mutual Respect the conditions of dialogue. (1990)

Mutual Purpose means that others perceive that you’re working toward a common outcome in the conversation, that you care about their goals, interests, and values. And vice versa. (1996)

understood. So a great Mutual Purpose to start with is to seek mutual understanding. If the other person truly believes you sincerely want to understand his or her needs or point of view, you have the basic makings of safety. (2005)

You don’t need to subordinate your purpose to that of others just to create a veneer of safety for them. (2011)

So what do you do if the other person doesn’t seem to care about your purpose? You choose that as the topic of the Crucial Conversation you need to have. After all, your purpose is every bit as important as the other person’s, and you could and should hold that as a boundary. (2013)

Mutual Respect is the continuance condition of dialogue. (2032)

Telltale signs. To spot when respect is violated and safety takes a turn south, watch for signs that people are defending their dignity. (2042)

Here are four skills that the best at dialogue routinely use to build safety up front in a conversation and rebuild safety when it’s been lost: •   Share your good intent. •   Apologize when appropriate. •   Contrast to fix misunderstandings. •   Create a Mutual Purpose. (2076)

Use Contrasting to provide context and proportion. (2149)

Use Contrasting for prevention. (2161)

If it helps you remember what to do, note that the four skills used in creating Mutual Purpose form the acronym CRIB. (2186)

Commit to Seek Mutual Purpose (2187)

Recognize the Purpose Behind the Strategy (2200)

We think we’ll never find a way out because we equate what we’re asking for with what we actually want. In truth, what we’re asking for is the strategy we’re suggesting to get what we want. We confuse wants or purpose with strategies. That’s the problem. (2203)

Invent a Mutual Purpose (2222)

Brainstorm New Strategies (2230)

So here’s a tip for making sure you communicate intent when typing a crucial message to someone: Write it twice. First, write the message to get your content across. Once you have your content down, consider how your intent is coming across. (2273)

How can we speak the unspeakable and still maintain respect? It can be done if you know how to carefully blend three ingredients: confidence, humility, and skill. (2423)

People who are skilled at dialogue have the confidence to say what needs to be said to the person who needs to hear it. (2428)

Confidence does not equate to arrogance or pigheadedness. Skilled people are confident that they have something to say, but also realize that others have valuable input. They realize that they don’t have a monopoly on the truth. They are curious about information and perspectives others have. (2430)

Skill comes from practice and repetition. Yes, reading this book and learning the skills of dialogue is an important first step. But reading alone won’t make you better at dialogue. (2437)

Once you’ve worked on yourself to create the right conditions for dialogue, you can then draw upon five distinct skills that can help you talk about even the most sensitive topics. These five tools can be easily remembered with the acronym STATE. It stands for: •   Share your facts. •   Tell your story. •   Ask for others’ paths. •   Talk tentatively. •   Encourage testing. (2467)

Be careful not to apologize for your views. Remember, the goal of Contrasting is not to water down your message, but to be sure that people don’t hear more than you intend. (2574)

So once you’ve shared your point of view, facts and stories alike, invite others to do the same. If your goal is to keep expanding the pool of meaning rather than to be right, to make the best decision rather than to get your way, then you’ll willingly listen to other views. By being open to learning, you’re demonstrating the curiosity that comes from true humility—a commitment to truth over ego. (2578)

Talking tentatively simply means that we tell our story as a story rather than disguising it as a hard fact. (2593)

Tentative, not wimpy. Some people are so worried about being too forceful or pushy that they err in the other direction. They wimp out by making still another Fool’s Choice. They figure that the only safe way to share touchy data is to act as if it’s not important: “I know this is probably not true . . .” or “Call me crazy, but . . .” (2611)

Invite opposing views. If you think others may be hesitant, make it clear that you want to hear their views—no matter how different. (2647)

Play devil’s advocate. Occasionally you can tell that others are not buying into your facts or story, but they’re not speaking up either. You’ve sincerely invited them, even encouraged differing views, but nobody says anything. To help grease the skids, play devil’s advocate. (2656)

Encourage others until your motive becomes obvious. At times—particularly if you’re in a position of authority—even being appropriately tentative doesn’t prevent others from suspecting that you want them to simply agree with you or that you’re inviting them into a trap. (2661)

First, Learn to Look. (2733)

The more you care about an issue, the less likely you are to be on your best behavior. (2737)

Second, check your intent. (2738)

Start with Heart—Get Ready to Listen Be sincere. To get others’ facts and stories into the pool of meaning, we have to invite them to share what’s on their minds. (2830)

Crucial conversations can be similarly mysterious and frustrating. When others are in either silence or violence, we’re actually joining their Path to Action already in progress. (2887)

To keep ourselves from feeling like sellouts while exploring others’ paths—no matter how different or wrong they seem—remember we’re trying to understand their point of view, not necessarily agree with it or support it. Understanding doesn’t equate with agreement. (2990)

So here’s the takeaway. If you completely agree with the other person’s path, say so and move on. Agree when you agree. Don’t turn an agreement into an argument. (3063)

If you agree with what has been said but the information is incomplete, build. Point out areas of agreement, and then add elements that were left out of the discussion. (3079)

That is, rather than suggesting that the other person is wrong, suggest that you differ. He or she may, in fact, be wrong, but you don’t know for sure until you hear both sides of the story. For now, you just know that the two of you differ. (3082)

It can also help to set that expectation up front. For example, when Uncle Carl launches into his latest diatribe, take a moment to set some boundaries for the conversation. Let him know that you want to hear his perspective and ask him if he is willing to hear yours in return. (3102)

If Carl says no, then you can walk away from the conversation and feel OK about it. Nothing requires you to listen to his monologues. (3107)

A shift happens when we no longer look to others just for information. We begin to look to them for definition. We don’t simply enjoy others’ approval; we need it. From that moment we are fundamentally insecure. Those in possession of our pen now control our emotional well-being. (3244)

They were all equally, subjectively hurtful. Neither content nor delivery predicted the magnitude of the harm! Clearly something else was at play. (3284)

Feedback only hurts when we believe it threatens one or both of our most fundamental psychological needs: safety (perceived physical, social, or material security) and worth (a sense of self-respect, self-regard, or self-confidence). (3300)

When our boss, our life partner, our neighbor, or a passenger on a subway starts to criticize us, we react emotionally far out of proportion to the real risk. Why? Because we’ve equated approval with safety and disapproval with danger. (3308)

The sensible response to feedback would be to do what TOSA students do: Put it in a bag, sort out what’s true, and discard the rest. But we don’t. Instead, whether it’s true, false, or a combination, we react to it indiscriminately with hurt, shame, fear, or anger. Why? Because we live with an undercurrent of worry that we aren’t worthy. (3320)

The tools form the acronym CURE. (3332)

Collect yourself. Breathing deeply and slowly reminds you that you are safe. (3333)

Understand. Be curious. Ask questions and ask for examples. (3342)

Recover. It’s sometimes best at this point to ask for a time-out. Feelings of control bring feelings of safety. (3348)

Engage. Examine what you were told. If you’ve done a good job reestablishing feelings of safety and worth, you’ll look for truth rather than defensively poking holes in the feedback. (3357)

He came to see Games he took badly as a reminder that he had inner work to do. As he learned to be the steward of his own safety and worth, he cultivated a peace that has changed everything. (3365)

We often fail to convert the ideas into action for two reasons: •   We have unclear expectations about how decisions will be made. •   We do a poor job of acting on the decisions we do make. (3398)

DIALOGUE IS NOT DECISION-MAKING The two riskiest times in Crucial Conversations tend to be at the beginning and at the end. The beginning is risky because you have to find a way to create safety, or else things go awry. (3402)

We can solve both these problems if, before making a decision, the people involved decide how to decide. Don’t allow people to assume that dialogue is decision-making. (3418)

There are four common ways of making decisions: command, consult, vote, and consensus. (3443)

Command Let’s start with decisions that are made with no involvement whatsoever. This happens in one of three ways. Either we make autonomous decisions within our area of responsibility, or outside forces place demands on us (demands that leave us no wiggle room), or we turn decisions over to others and then follow their lead. (3447)

Consult Consulting is a process whereby decision makers invite others to influence them before they make their choice. (3461)

Vote Voting is best suited to situations where efficiency is the highest value—and you’re selecting from a number of good options. (3465)

Consensus This method can be both a great blessing and a frustrating curse. Consensus means you talk until everyone honestly agrees to one decision. This method can produce tremendous unity and high-quality decisions. If misapplied, it can also be a horrible waste of time. (3470)

When choosing among the four methods of decision-making, consider the following questions: 1.   Who cares? Determine who genuinely wants to be involved in the decision (3474)

2.   Who knows? Identify who has the expertise you need to make the best decision. (3477)

3.   Who must agree? Think of those whose cooperation you might need in the form of authority or influence in any decisions you might make. (3480)

4.   How many people is it worth involving? Your goal should be to involve the fewest number of people while still considering the quality of the decision along with the support that people will give it. (3482)

Once you have considered your options and decided how you’ll decide, make sure you add this critical meaning to the pool. (3486)

As you close your conversations with commitments, make sure you consider the following four elements (sometimes shortened to the acronym WWWF): •   Who? •   Does what? •   By when? •   How will you follow up? (3510)

DOCUMENT YOUR WORK Once again, a proverb comes to mind: “One dull pencil is worth six sharp minds.” Don’t leave your hard work to memory. (3578)

Write down the details of conclusions, decisions, and assignments. (3581)